12th April 2020 – Sunday
Happy Easter Sunday!
Ok, my anxiety is somewhat over. I didn’t sleep very well – but I’m ok. I did wake up with a headache and super tired. Gosh, what a time to suffer from anxiety and mental health problems eh?
Here’s a little bit about my anxiety and mental health problems. It started a few years ago … actually 7 years ago to be exact. My brother passed away and I guess I never really got over it. You never do get over the death of someone – you learn to move on but never get over it. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t super close to my brother … we were super close as children, but as we grew older, circumstances made us grow apart. But nethertheless – I always felt safe around him. He was just … there you know.
He passed away suddenly from an undiagnosed illness and that was when my mind started to go a bit haywire. I kept thinking that I will never see him again, or hear his voice and the thought of his lifeless body in a coffin – 6 feet underground was more than I could bare. I ended up having a nervous breakdown – I ended up on anti-depressants and I went into counselling. The medication made me feel worse so I decided to stop them – but the counselling was my saviour. It made me realise that I wasn’t going mad. I wasn’t crazy and that my feelings of anxiety were justifiable. I remember a particular conversation with my counsellor which totally changed everything for me.
Me: “I am a bad mother! I can’t look after my children properly.”
Counsellor: “If you had the flu and you were bed-ridden and couldn’t look after your children, would you still think you were a bad mother?”
Me: “No, I guess not”
Counsellor: “Exactly … flu is an illness … what you are going through is an illness.”
And it was from that point on, my mindset changed and I slowly was able to get back on my feet. I’m not the same person I was 7 years ago. Far from it … but I am in a better place. My anxiety is not something I broadcast to the world about. There are people in my life, family and friends that do not know about what I went through. Why don’t I tell them? I don’t want the pity and sympathy I guess. That is the one thing I detest more than anything … people feeling sorry for me.
Maybe I’m still brushing the issue under the carpet. If you don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exist, right?
So, there it is … my mental health – in a nutshell of course. It does go a lot deeper than this but for now, this is all I can share with you.
So anyway, since today was Easter Sunday I made a little Sunday roast for dinner. Nothing too fancy or elaborate. Just roast beef, roast potatoes, Yorkshire Puddings, greens beans and broccoli and lashings of mushroom and onion gravy. I just love a good Sunday roast.
I hope you all had a lovely Sunday. Stay safe and stay home!
~ Boss Mum (and family) xxx